Thoughts on Radiation and Yoga

I was diagnosed with Stage I breast cancer in February of this year.  A lumpectomy removed all visible signs of the small tumor, and removal and analysis of a few lymph nodes showed no spread.  The standard protocol in cases like mine is a course of radiation to (hopefully) eliminate any cancer cells that remain.
 
My treatment protocol was 21 days.  Every weekday, I went to the (new!) cancer center here in Medford.  I was usually there about 15 minutes, with the treatments lasting 20-40 seconds each.  There was, of course, a little wait time and set-up time before each treatment.
 
That’s not much time, in the greater scheme of things, and yet there was plenty of time to be anxious, fearful, and stressed.   And my yoga practice came through.
 
Yoga is a practice for body, mind, and spirit. With slow, mindful yoga, I’ve learned to tune into my body and breath, and I’ve developed skills in shifting my nervous system based on what I need.  With yoga tools, I can calm my anxious thoughts and tense body.  I can bring myself into the present and out of that place of fear and worry that comes with a cancer diagnosis. 
 
Here are some specific ways that the tools of yoga helped me through the radiation treatments:
 
Breathing:   On the treatment table, when I felt stressed and maybe a little claustrophobic, I could slow down my exhale and move my body from the stress response to the relaxation response.
 
Visualization: When I had to lie completely still during set up and treatments, I used this tool. Sometimes I visualized my favorite places in the world; sometimes I visualized specific parts of my body. (If you’ve been in my class, you’ve experienced this type of guided relaxation.)
 
Poses and movement: I often did yoga poses and movement while in the waiting room to be called in for treatment. (There was rarely anyone else there.) Sometimes I did poses that I knew would calm my body, and other times I felt like tapping into my inner strength with more active poses.
 
Interoception: This is the ability to sense what’s going on inside our bodies.  Interoception can help in many ways, including getting a sense of our normal internal state, being able to sense when a change has occurred, and  giving us a better barometer for reporting to our doctor what side effects we are feeling, and how they differ from other sensations that might not be treatment-related. 
 
Here's what I consider one of the most important benefits of interoception: a sense of agency.  Bessel Van Der Kolk, in his book The Body Keeps the Score, notes that “agency is the technical term for the feeling of being in charge of your life.”  He goes on to say, “Agency starts with what scientists call interoception, our awareness of our subtle sensory, body-based feelings: the greater that awareness, the greater our potential to control our lives.” 
 
When you get a cancer diagnosis, much feels out of your control.  You can feel untethered from the earth and unsure how to move forward.  When you’re in treatment, it may feel like you are moving forward, but with someone else’s plan and schedule.
 
My yoga practice gives me some agency over how I respond to what is happening and where I have choices. 
 
In the treatment room, when the machine starts delivering the 20 seconds of radiation, a red light flashes the words “Beam On.” 
 
That is what I intend to do.