“Don’t tell me to calm down.”

That was the subject line of a newsletter I received last night from a yoga professional.
It got my attention. I want to share with you a piece of it and then a few thoughts of my own.

Jurian Hughes writes:

“I’ve said it before…My intention as a yoga teacher is to practice and inspire authenticity and full self-expression. Because all of us have the right – and sometimes we need the encouragement – to be more fully who we are.

Yoga means union. In effect, living yoga means living in harmony; authentically – living our lives so that what we think, feel, say and do are one…”

She also says:

“I’m shocked, furious and heartsick over today’s SCOTUS decision. But we the people still have the power – to vote, to march, to rally, to demand, to donate, to make phone calls to senators and to send postcards to citizens, to inspire every person we know who is numb or complacent to wake up and vote.

Yoga means union. It does not mean inaction. It does not mean letting someone else do the work. It does not mean sitting on the sidelines. If you care, please join me in using your voice to say what matters to you.” Jurian Hughes

That is exactly what I needed to hear. My yoga teacher and mentor, Kristine, often says yoga helps us know who we are, and when we know who we are, we know what to do.

To me, it’s about understanding how to live ethically, how to treat each other and ourselves compassionately, and how to prepare our bodies and minds to go inside and discover who we truly are. And then make sure that we take action that is in alignment with our deepest values and convictions.

So there’s the connection between what happened yesterday and why I practice and teach yoga. It’s not an escape from the world. It’s knowing who I am and what I consider most precious. It’s about preparing my body and mind, including supporting myself with appropriate movement and rest, so I can show up in the world fully present and know how I can best serve.

I have much to learn as both a yoga practitioner and a yoga teacher, but that's OK. It’s a practice.

If you’d like to join me, check out my Learning Center.

I was diagnosed with Stage I breast cancer in February of this year.  A lumpectomy removed all visible signs of the small tumor, and removal and analysis of a few lymph nodes showed no spread.  The standard protocol in cases like mine is a course of radiation to (hopefully) eliminate any cancer cells that remain.
 
My treatment protocol was 21 days.  Every weekday, I went to the (new!) cancer center here in Medford.  I was usually there about 15 minutes, with the treatments lasting 20-40 seconds each.  There was, of course, a little wait time and set-up time before each treatment.
 
That’s not much time, in the greater scheme of things, and yet there was plenty of time to be anxious, fearful, and stressed.   And my yoga practice came through.
 
Yoga is a practice for body, mind, and spirit. With slow, mindful yoga, I’ve learned to tune into my body and breath, and I’ve developed skills in shifting my nervous system based on what I need.  With yoga tools, I can calm my anxious thoughts and tense body.  I can bring myself into the present and out of that place of fear and worry that comes with a cancer diagnosis. 
 
Here are some specific ways that the tools of yoga helped me through the radiation treatments:
 
Breathing:   On the treatment table, when I felt stressed and maybe a little claustrophobic, I could slow down my exhale and move my body from the stress response to the relaxation response.
 
Visualization: When I had to lie completely still during set up and treatments, I used this tool. Sometimes I visualized my favorite places in the world; sometimes I visualized specific parts of my body. (If you’ve been in my class, you’ve experienced this type of guided relaxation.)
 
Poses and movement: I often did yoga poses and movement while in the waiting room to be called in for treatment. (There was rarely anyone else there.) Sometimes I did poses that I knew would calm my body, and other times I felt like tapping into my inner strength with more active poses.
 
Interoception: This is the ability to sense what’s going on inside our bodies.  Interoception can help in many ways, including getting a sense of our normal internal state, being able to sense when a change has occurred, and  giving us a better barometer for reporting to our doctor what side effects we are feeling, and how they differ from other sensations that might not be treatment-related. 
 
Here's what I consider one of the most important benefits of interoception: a sense of agency.  Bessel Van Der Kolk, in his book The Body Keeps the Score, notes that “agency is the technical term for the feeling of being in charge of your life.”  He goes on to say, “Agency starts with what scientists call interoception, our awareness of our subtle sensory, body-based feelings: the greater that awareness, the greater our potential to control our lives.” 
 
When you get a cancer diagnosis, much feels out of your control.  You can feel untethered from the earth and unsure how to move forward.  When you’re in treatment, it may feel like you are moving forward, but with someone else’s plan and schedule.
 
My yoga practice gives me some agency over how I respond to what is happening and where I have choices. 
 
In the treatment room, when the machine starts delivering the 20 seconds of radiation, a red light flashes the words “Beam On.” 
 
That is what I intend to do.